Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Things to think about

The other day the owner of the company told me that there was a plan for me in the company. He said, "In 10 years you're not gonna be doing what you do now, you'll be driving around checking on the other workers and training whoever needs to be trained." At the time, I just nodded and said, "That it'd be nice."

10 minutes later I was in my car thinking about what the fuck he just said. 10 years from now I'll be 44. WHAT THE FUCK! Security is not my vocational choice. It just happens to work for my writing. I have time to work out my ideas. Some people, like the other supervisor Frank, are in this for the long haul. Fuck that. Although, I've said it before, that I don't do anything with my writing. So what good is it to just write stuff for my own benefit? Why do I not want to better myself? What is it that makes me do nothing? Am I that lazy that I will let life pass me by? Will I turn into my father? He's a 56 year old security guard that has his own son for a supervisor. How fucked up is that? I get all worked up and talk myself into a frenzy of creativity, and then I go home and do nothing but watch t.v. and movies. Once again I watch the movies to learn about technique, but I don't apply it to anything except the scripts that I write and read myself. It's a circle of my life that will never end until I do something about it. When will that be? Should I move and start a whole new life in California? Should I quit my job and scare myself into selling a script? There are plenty of people that send in their scripts and script ideas, but I'm going to sell my idea? Why is my script so much better than any other? Plus, if I like it then how do I know that anyone else will? They say write what you know. What if I write some real personal script that I don't want anyone to direct but myself? What if my scripts aren't even written in the exact proper format? I took a scriptwriting class in college, but I've also taught myself. What if I have no form, or voice? I think I do, but who knows. Again, I am my worst critic and I don't have any type of sounding board for my writing, only my ideas. Then again, excuses are like assholes, everyone has one. I need to create a movie of my own. Some little cheap learning experience. Then I will know if I should be a writer or director. I would like to do both, but all my friends tell me that I'm a better writer. Ironically they've never read all my stuff. My dream is to direct, but that is a difficult proffesion to get into. When is a dream unattainable? When do you give up on a dream? There are no real answers to any of these questions. Deep in my heart I know what needs to be done.

Sorry to bore you with my lifes drama. Another thing to think about is how our hands and minds work. I mean I think of something to type, and my hands type it. Just like that, weird.

Watched a thing on the travel channel today about Disney World. As I've said before in other posts, I hadn't been to Disneyland until I was 16. Now I am 34, and I want to go back to Disneyland, but I would love to go to Disney World. It is like a whole city. Epcot Center, Indiana Jones, Animal Kingdom, SPACE, and everything else was awesome. I need to definately go. Speaking of travelling, I have also been thinking of my cross country trip that I've always wanted to go on. For those who don't know about it, here it is. I want to take like 2 or 3 months to travel around the country. I would start in California, up the PCH to Washington, then over and down and zig zag all over the country. I would go to Detroit and across the bridge to Canada and then through Canada until New York. Then from New York down to Florida. From Florida a small flight to the Bahamas. After that I would go to Georgia and see an old plantation. Then I would go back to Arizona. I think it would be a blast and I would document the whole thing on video. The problem is saving the money. I love to buy people shit and make them happy. I need to really focus on this though. Serjio says that now is the perfect time for me, before I have a family. I need to really go do this.

Years ago I told myself that I didn't want to have regrets on my death bed. That's why I got a tatoo. I don't want to die and say that I never sent in a script, or travelled across country. Getting off my ass should be my top priority. I should do all these things. Although, I should say that I WILL do these things.

Sorry to bother you guys with my boring ass shit, but that's what's going on in my life. I think about this shit all the time.

One other thing that I think about is my idea for the Grand Hotel movie remake. I don't know how to go about trying to get a remake made. I don't have the rights, but I want Drew Barrymore in it. Do I get a hold of Drew Barrymore, or MGM. Do I write the script first, or talk to them about my idea. Who knows, and you guys don't care.

Well that's what's up and I am glad that I could waste your time. Not really. I started out writing something small and this is what I ended up with.

Thanks for letting me vent. There's more to me than just my made up stories.

I love you all.

1 comment:

Mrs. H said...

You should quit buying shit for my family and others and even slow down on your DVD buying. Save some money, start travelling, get random jobs here and there like The Fugitive, write while you travel, get it all out before you do eventually settle down. DO IT - be gone w/ you! Maybe you will end up writing some great book and not a script. You do love to tell stories. A collection of short stories to be published - there you go! I love you and I will miss you!