Saturday, February 18, 2006

Like a lost ball

My aunt and uncle are moving to Chino Valley. They will be away from me. They've always lived in the same city for as long as I can remember. I went over today and helped them pack some boxes. I found out that my cousin not only got their car, but they also gave him 3000.00 dollars. Not including the 7000.00 they already paid for his child support. If it were anyone else I would be happy for them, but he doesn't deserve this money. He of course feels that he does. WHATEVER!

My fingers are cold and a little numb on the ends right now. I'm trying to hurry up and type this so I can go to sleep. The feeling will come back soon. I was outside for awhile tonight talking to my cousin.

Anyway, on the way to my aunt and uncle's house I stopped at the cemetery to pay my respects to my grandma and grandpa. It was dark, but I was in the neighborhood. I grabbed the flashlight out of the car and went looking for their headstone. They were buried on top of eachother so there's only one headstone. I found it pretty quick and sat down. I cleaned it off and said hello. My first instinct was to lay on my stomach and put my arms in the earth and give them a huge hug, but that was a little too Japanamation I thought. I talked about how many different things are going on in my life. I cleaned the headstone off. Then I could hear their voices talking. They weren't really talking to me, but it was their voices saying stuff that I've heard them say. I sat there and just stared and thought. I wanted to cry, but I still couldn't. When my grandparents died, seperately, I didn't cry. I was so close to them, yet I didn't cry. I felt a sorrow, but also a happy feeling tonight. I was thinking that I should have brought flowers or something, and that's when it hit me. I pulled the Lego Steven Speilberg off of my key chain and sat him down where the flowers go. It's like I'm sitting there watching them. Very nice.

When I got in the car, I turned on the country stations on my satellite radio. That's what they use to listen to, country. I found a bluegrass channel. There was a song called, "You're like a lost ball." I listened to the song to maybe hear a message. The words I heard were something like, "without me, you're all alone." Not only was it sad for me if it was a message, but it was just a sad song if someone had just left you. I didn't really think that that was a message for me, because I have my dad and my friends. So I'm not really alone. Then again, when they died, I did feel kind of alone at the time. I could always go there and be loved. My one regret is that I never learned how to cook like her. After hearing the song I smiled, because it was a funny song in a way. I was alive, I have people that care for me and I care for them, and I just had a good moment in life.

Feeling coming back to my fingers now.

Life is good all around.


Dakini said...

I love you Phillip.

Stephanie said...

Well first of all, about the money thing, i totally agree. In my opinion he dosn't deserve it, it would be different if he actually appreciated it, but he just expected it. I tried to explain to him that it's possible to be out on your own without all the extras and by doing that you learn to appreciate everything you have, but anyone who knows Chip, knows that he just laughed it off and made up some random always. but oh well, more power to him, and i wish him the best, i just hope it dosnt hurt when he finally detatches his fingers from thier credit card.

And as for visiting your grandparents, I think thats wonderful! Sometimes we need to take time out of our busy schedule to get back and talk with the older links in the chain. When i was still in Washington I would randomly just drop in on the graveyard my grandma was in and i would lay a towel on her gravestone and just lay there and talk to her and just cry, its where i could just be myself and get everything off my chest, i swear i could feel her rubbing my back sometimes, but i just needed the comfort. So good for you, and I'm glad you got the chance to do that, it always just feels good :)

Mrs. H said...

"I'll be there for you..." Phillip! just like we sung to your Grandma that night while she slept hunched over in her chair. Oh good times, w/ sweet little Grandpa, and your crotchety old Grandma, who hated me, but was always nice to my face. Hmmmm, 2 different people, if you will, perhaps that is where you get it from. :)
Your Grandparents were in a way parents for you growing up, so of course, it was a huge loss for you.
I too, cannot wait for your cousinChip to see what the real world is like, if only his parents will truly cut the strings, but I don't see it happening.

LoveTheDivaPrincess said...

Oh sweetie, I love you and will be here too. You know how often I have thought of moving near my mom, but I cannot leave my chosen family which are my friends. Sometimes they are there for me even more then my blood family. I hope you can feel the same way about us as I feel for you guys. It will be hard but you have lots of us to lean on!