Friday, February 02, 2007

I Can See Clearly Now


Except reading glasses later in life.

Side note: I'm listening to my ipod and Sweet Transvestite is on. I really like the song (insert joke here), plus it gives me fond memories of Mrs. H., Brig, and I hanging out. If Dawn is reading this that was the first time that I saw Dawn. Except that was when I first went to Rocky with Joe back in 89 or 90. Bygones.

Back to the eyes.

Let me set the scene for you. I'm strapped to the table and a fat mad man is walking around telling me how this laser is going to cut me in half. I say, "Do you expect me to talk?" He says, "No Mr. Bond, I expect you to die." Oh wait that was Goldfinger. Never mind. I remember now. Mrs. H. and I were slightly freaking out and worried that we could smell our eyes burning under the laser. We did. Smelled like chicken kabobs. I'm kidding of course. It smelled like burnt eyes. Anyway, I had a bad time with the front desk people before the surgery. Nobody was on the same page. I trusted everyone in the back of the place, but nobody at the front desk. Especially the south of the border taco eating cunt that was working that day. I was tempted to call INS or the ASPCA. Why you ask? Because this was animal cruelty. This fucking animal was cruel to me. If Steve Irwin were alive he could have slowly crouched down by her chair and told us how she eats or shits or does both out of the fucking hole under her nose. They have a basket for us to donate our glasses if we want. Well I wanted to break the fucking things and stab her in the neck with the broken pieces. I had called her the day before and tried to get my valium perscription sent to a Walgreens that was closer to my house. I was going there to pick up my eye drops, so I thought that I'd kill 2 birds with one stone. "You can pick up here at Walgreens by us.", she says in broken English. "Well it will be better for me if I can have the perscription sent over to the Walgreens by my house.", I say with my sweet charm. "No, we call it in here. Just pick up here.", she says with her English so garbled that she needs subtitles. "I wanted to pick it up before the surgery.", I say getting a bit annoyed. "Yes, you can pick it up the morning of your surgery.", she says with the subtitles becoming clearer. "Our appointment is at 1030.", I say hoping that she knows the customer is always right. "Yes, they are open at 9 I believe.", she says with her 7 kids playing by her feet. "I was just trying to make it easier on me.", I say on deaf stupid bitch spic ears. "Just come earlier.", she said not caring that she was in my country illegaly. AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! "Fine." or "I guess I'll have to.", I say as I piss on the 'Mexico' page of my atlas.

Now it's the day of the surgery and Mr. and Mrs. H. and I are at the Walgreens by the Lasik place. I go to the pharmacy counter and ask, "Do you have a perscription for Phillip Duke II?" The woman checks and says, "No I don't." WHAT THE FUCK! Now I'm really pissed. It takes alot to get me really pissed. So I call Lasik, and who answers the phone? That's right, Maria Conchita Cunt Face. "This is Phillip Duke II and you said that my perscription for Valium would be here at the Walgreens.", I say with smoke coming out of my ears. "Oh. Who is this again?" she says unable to understand English. "Phillip Duke II. I spoke to you yesterday and you told me that it would be here. You told me to come early.", I say while wanting to pull a Charlie Manson by killing her and writing CUNT in her blood on the wall behind her. Manson actually wrote PIGS, but you get the point. "I'm sorry about that. Let me call them. Is there a number I can reach you at?", she says like she knows how to write. "I'm going to be there in a minute but yes here's the number, .......", I say while wanting to anal rape her mother while pouring sugar in her gas tank. "Ok, I'll call you back.", she says, while picking onions for us white people. We head over there. I'm fucking fuming. Mrs. H. gives our info and we sit down. I go to the bathroom and when I come back Mrs. H. has already been called. I'm thinking well this is very odd because our appointment is the same time. I go up and ask a blonde lady if she called me too. She says that she did not. I sit down and wait, but not too long because I've lost faith in this entire place by this point. I walk in the back and start checking the files on the inside of the door. A guy who works there asks me if he can help. I tell him that I'm wondering if I was called. He says that he doesn't know. Like he can't fucking walk the 6 steps to the front desk and check. I wasn't going to do it because that fucking brown bitch was the only one there. I go back to my chair and sit down. Not for long, because I'm pissed. I walk over to the woman at the front desk, because I figure that I better talk to her soon before her shift at Filiberto's starts. "I was just wondering if they called me yet, because we came in together.", I say while trying to push the desk over ontop of her. "She had to get her eyes rechecked and you don't.", she says while giving birth to yet another baby. "They told me last time that I was supposed to too.", I say wanting everyone to leave the room except her and I, so we can have UFC 68. "It says just her.", she says, wearing me down because I just want to hit her and not talk anymore. "Ok I guess. I'm just really annoyed because my Valium wasn't there and so I just don't know. You called it in though, right?", I say, hoping that everything is maybe going to work out. That's when she looks down at the post-it note on her desk by her keyboard, and says, "Oh, did you still want that?" "Yeah." I say with the attitude of Mrs. H. "Well, it's more for nerves. You can take Tylenol P.M. I had the surgery last week and it doesn't hurt. It's fine.", she says, as if I want to hear her fucking story. Not to mention the fact that people deal with nerves in different ways. She works in a medical type place, and should know to be accomodating to the client. "I still want it.", I say, as she trys to tell me more misinformation, but I just walk away. I sit down and try to relax and focus on the fact that I'm getting this procedure done and it will be a great thing. So now I'm really questioning whether they called me or not.

That's when Mrs. H. comes out. She's done getting her eyes rechecked and they haven't called me yet. I tell Mrs. H. the hell that I'm going through. She says that Lorie is going to call her to go through the financial stuff and that she will tell her that I am still waiting. We like Lorie. Mrs. H. gets called and goes in the back. I'm super pissed. Then Lorie comes out and says, "Phillip." The words sounded like harp music played by angels. I jumped up and went back and sat by Mrs. H. and told Lorie what was up. Valium not ready and all that. She appologized for the woman and said that I could have one of Mrs. H.'s valium. Then all was well. We then paid our money, waited a little more, and then waited in a pre-op room. We took our valium when the cyborg told us to. She wasn't really a cyborg, but she was as emotionless as one. Mrs. H. went into surgery first. Then I went. It was weird, but only took about 5 minutes or less to do. We could see right away. Very cool. At first I wasn't thinking that I could see that much better. After I woke up from my 6 hour nap, I could see better. The next day we went for our check up and the doctor said that my vision was 20/20. Maybe really close to 20/20 that's using both eyes at once. WHATEVER!

I love it.

Now for me. Well I'm trying to get off of work tonight and tomorrow. Not sure about that, but at least if I could get one of those days off that would be good. I believe that I told you guys that they told me to get a right hand man and then told me not to. They said that I could do what I was doing without giving up some of my money to bring one of my guys up. I agreed that I do like the money. One of my workers quit so I've been working moon valley patrol for the past week and a half. Like always I'm sure that it will all work out. Right now, I'm sitting here naked, drinking beer, eating chips, and thinking of you ladies. Tell Vash that one. I was sitting in his computer chair naked. I'm kidding of course. I have a towel down on the chair. NO. I'm not wearing shoes, socks, and a shirt. WOW. I guess no service for me. HAHA.

I know that you will all be pissed because this is so long. Sorry. I'll write real short ones from now on. NOT!

I'll leave you guys with what Charlie said the other day. He's an older guy that works at Circle K. I talk to him when I go in for free coffee while patrolling moon valley. Anyway he said, "I've been in the Marines. I've been to NAM. But that's nothing compared to a stay at home mother. I've done it. It's hard. You find your self talking like the kids when adults come over."

I just thought that that was cool.

Diva and Baron: Sometime during a weekend we should go drinking with my father.
Dakini: I love and miss you. I have your Nightmare Before Christmas calendar and mints.
Dawn: You looked good in your bra and underwear. Big titties.
Mrs. H.: You know. Also big titties.

Yours glassless,


LoveTheDivaPrincess said...

Wow what a story! I miss you guys I feel suddenly so left out of everything, is that because I wear contacts still??? LOL I would love for us to go driking, I need a sitter for Kenny though. So let me know ahead of time and I will see what I can work out. I still love you!

Mrs. H said...

Her name was Monica BTW and not Lorie, but that is ok. All other details were correct.
Love you and your beautiful eyes!

MOVIEMAN said...

Thanks I love you guys too. I will let you know about drinking. For Mrs. H. I'm sorry that all you got out of the story was what I got wrong. I thought it was funny, but fine steal my thunder. See if I care. LOL. Talk to you guys later. I should be off on Saturday if I can get someone to work Moon Valley. I would like Super Bowl Sunday off, but I don't think that will be happening. Got to go to work now. Love you guys.

Dakini said...

DUde that Charlie, he's right on man!


I loved reading about your eye story. So much different than when we were on the phone! I was laughing and laughing and Elish walked up to me to make sure I was okay because several times I was like, "DAAAAAAMNNN"

I love you. And Matty called his dad. His dad can send some money too. Which yeah, duh..We need to figure out where Matty can stay for the weekend.

Call me to let us know what day the classes are.

Or I'll just call you tomorrow? I have to go to the doc in the morning for my swollen tonsil gland thingy that I've had for several years now. I'm a bit scared. Hope nothings wrong with me.

I love you. Call us!

Tell Kris, I told her we'de be there in like three years. Tell her I love her. Wel I can tell her myself if you give me her number. you know I suck at numbers.