Sunday, June 27, 2010

Batshit Crazy is my diagnosis.

Ok well let's see if I can do this story justice. Where to fucking start?

Last night I worked at the Firesky Resort and Spa. It was busy and a Saturday night. They had a 20 year high school reunion for Horizon high school, and some other smaller events. Well earlier in the night at about midnight I see this woman in her mid twenties sitting on a couch outside by the walkway. She is on her cell phone and she's yelling at her boyfriend that he doesn't love her and should come and pick her up because she is fucked up. I laugh to myself and walk away. Later I come back and she is gone. I figure that the drama is over. Oh contrare mon frare. Later at about 1:20AM or so, I was talking to Shawn on the phone while walking around the parking lot, and there's a loud boom. I look over and there is this woman coming out of one of the hallways and she is on the phone. It's the same girl. She is yelling at the top of her lungs that she needs her boyfriend to pick her up or just show up or whatever. The call ends with her screaming a gutoral scream into the phone as she hangs up. Her friend then came and took her back inside the room. The scream must mean that that is the end of the drama, right? NNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

Then at 2:41AM, as I am sitting in the break room, drinking a pepsi, and writing my report, I get a call from house keeping. She tells me that there are 2 guys out in the parking lot trying to calm a woman down, and asks if I could check it out. I head out there to find the woman yelling at her fiance. As I watch her yell and berate him, a motorcycle pulls up and behind the guy driving is a woman. She has him stop next to the woman and her fiance. She turns to me as she gets off the bike, "Is my car ok right there?" She points at a black Mustang GT parked right next to where I am standing. I said that it was ok. She then tells me that the woman yelling is her friend and she will handle the situation.

NOW, you readers, stop right there.

Allow me to digress for a moment. First of all the woman yelling is named Nicole, and she, as we will come to find out, is bat shit; looney tunes; crazier than Manson; kill you for a penny; straitjacket wearing; crazy. The girl the made a very cool appearnce is named Amanda. She is half oriental half american. She owns a Mustang GT, so she already rocks in my book. She was tatooed on her upper arms, weighed about 110lbs, and was about 5'4". I could tell that she was the friend that always knows how to talk to Nicole. Knows how to bring her down. SO I THOUGHT.

So Amanda gets off the bike and the guy drives away. Amanda immediately seperates Nicole from her fiance. As she does this Nicole sees some guests going up the stairs to their room, and they ask if she's ok. She tells them to shut the fuck up, it's none of their fucking business. Amanda tells her to SHUT THE FUCK UP and not to talk to people that way, they were just concerned. Nicole then sees another couple going up the stairs and tells them to mind their own fucking business. Amanda tells Nicole to SHUT THE FUCK UP again. (This is when I first start to really see the crazy.) Nicole says, "Why are you yelling at me? Stop yelling at me." Amanda says, "Ok look I don't know what's going on but I'm here for you." Nicole looking at her fiance says, "You suck you fucking asshole. I HATE YOU." Then Nicole looks at me and says, "What the fuck do you want?" Amanda says, "Shut up. He's just doing his job." Nicole again, "Why are you yelling at me?" Amanda says look your fiance cares obviously because he's here now." Nicole said, "Well I fucking called him and wanted him to come here and he was too busy fucking watching porn and jerking his dick to come over." (All while this is going on the fiance is just standing there not saying a word.) Amanda said.....(Wait for it)...."You guys have a son together. He fucking loves you." Nicole said to her fiance, "I fucking hate you. You suck." She then started to run for him while trying to hit him. Amanda said, "Nicole STOP IT!" Nicole again, "Why do you keep yelling at me." Amanda says, "Do you want me to go to your wedding?" (I laugh hysterically on the inside.) Nicole says, "Yes." Then she hugs Amanda and crys. Then she pushes Amanda away and tries hitting the fiance again. Now Amanda grabs Nicole and shoves her away from the fiance, because the fiance is not doing anything. I believe that was part of Nicole's anger was that the fiance is an emotionless atomaton. Anyway when Amanda shoves Nicole, Nicole says, "Oh it's like that, you want to go? 2 seconds." Amanda steps up to Nicole, and with each step says, "One, Two. Now SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LISTEN!" Nicole once again, "Stop yelling at me."

Ok I'm boring myself with the minutia of detail. It's easier for me to tell the story verbally. Anyway, the whole thing lasted an hour. Towards the end of it she finally called one of the female guests a CUNT and was hitting her boyfriend. I had left for a bit because everything had seemed to die down. When I came back was when I saw and heard Amanda appologizing to the cunt, and Nicole hitting her fiance. Finally then he tried to pick her up to carry her to the car. He was a big guy, but she was like a greased pig. Her skirt was pulled up and she had some writing on her underwear. He then had to put her down before they got to the car. She said that she wanted to just go to the room. Her fiance said no because I know what you are going to do. She then turned to me and said will you take me to my room. I said, "yes if you go to your room." She said that she would. As I walked with her she was telling me that he thought she was going to fight the woman Amanda was talking to. He was following us making sure that she didn't. Then Amanda started to close in too. Then Nicole looks at the cunt, and says, "Don't worry I'm not gonna fight this FUCKING BITCH!" Her fiance grabs her quick and says that that's enough. She's screaming for him to put her down. The other woman left. Nicole started to head to her room across the parking lot. Amanda stopped Nicole and tried to talk to her again. Nicole looked at me from across the way and said, "You gonna mace me? Huh?" Finally when Nicole wouldn't listen to Amanda anymore, Amanda gave up and said,.....

This is the best part coming up......"Who was there for you when you got out of rehab? Who cried for you when you was in prison?"

And then she said something that she knew would set off her friend, "Why don't you smoke some more fucking crack again?"

Nicole made a beeline (Inside Joke) for Amanda. The fiance stopped her.

I know that you guys are all saying, "Phillip, what the fuck? I thought you're security?" Yes I am but Amanda seemed to be handling it well enough. This woman was so crazy that she would have only been confrontational with me and we would have gotten nowhere. The story ended with me telling her that she needed to either go to her room or go home. I said that I didn't want to call the police but I would. She said, "Fine call the police." Finally then they talked her into getting her stuff out of the room and her fiance took her home. Amanda was going to go with them because she was too drunk to drive, her car had a breathalizer in it, but Nicole ended up throwing her shit down on the ground as they were getting in the car. Amanda said, "Fuck this, I'm not going." As the fiance and Nicole drove away I could hear her screaming at her fiance.

Now on to the interesting writing. Why the fuck does it seem like women are more bipolar type crazy then dudes are? I mean one minute this chick is like I hate you I hate you, and then she's like I love you so much. Why is this big muscle bound, (dare I say it) pretty handsome guy, with a crazy fucking bitch like her? I do understand that the nutty ones are better in the sack. Although, Stephanie will now inform me that she is not crazy, and she is good in the sack. To that I would say what they said on Superbad, "She had a breast reduction. That's like slapping God in the face." LOL! Hey Steph if the strait jacket fits.....I KID.

The other thing is then how much do you do as a friend to fucking help this chick out? My story doesn't do it justice. She was a fucking loon.

Now I want to be in love as much as the next guy, but when I see shit like I did last night, it makes me glad that I'm single. Although, I would love some regular arguing type of drama with a spouse.

Another part of my night was that I came to the jacquzzi to tell the guests that the pool was closed. The guy that I was speaking to was in his underwear, because he didn't have a swim trunks. All of a sudden this girl walks up to me and she's wearing a black bra and grey panties with a green waistband and green decorations on them. She asks my name and I tell her and then she shakes my hand. When I go to leave she says, "Phillip's the SHIT!" I laugh and wave. I go back a little bit later to see if they have left yet, because I told them the pool was closed. Some had left, but 2 were still there. Then suddenly here's this girl again. She walks up to me and shakes my hand again and introduces herself, unfortunately I don't remember her name. She then asks me what nationality I am. I tell her that I am Dutch, German, English, and all kinds of stuff. I say that I'm a Heinz 57. That's something my dad says when explaining to people what we are. I understand what he means by it, but when I told her she didn't. I was like I am a bit of everything. She said you're just an AMERICAN. I said yes. Then we talked about the weather and how she was in the Air Force. She was from Minnesota. The funny thing was that I was just trying to be nonchalant and look at her face, but my periphery was going crazy. It's funny because you girls can ask a guy if he liked the earrings that you were wearing on Tuesday and he will have no idea. If you ask him if he likes your pink panties or purple bra, he will know right away. The reason is because your earrings cover your ears, and your panties and bras cover the important parts.

Anyway, that girl ended up going to Denny's with guys she was with. I know that you would all ask about her.

Sorry this is so long. I feel bad.

Have a great day everyone.


Mrs. H said...

Wow, that story was just like you were here in person telling it. All the details, I could visualize being there. Bwahahahahahahaha. More like it was so f'n long I thought it would never end. LOL
You do get some good stories out of your job.
Love ya!

LoveTheDivaPrincess said...

I am not fucking crazy and i only wear a straight jacket on the 3rd Tuesday of the month when Todd and i play crazy patient and horny doctor OK????

Love you and wow that was long but funny!